An anniversary of sorts.. a covid-19 long hauler story
Anniversaries are meant to remind us of notable events, to remember, to pay respect, to celebrate maybe, sometimes just to observe and reflect. I don’t know the exact date, it crept in like the colours of fall or the grey of winter. As far as I remember I can not tell the day exactly. In hindsight it does feel like everything changed abruptly.
I was infected with Covid -19 last year during fall, and as many others did I too went through a horrid three weeks of illness. The day I walked in to work after a month I was almost in tears because I felt so weak. There is this seeming end of an illness, and you expect a typical recovery path. That is when it all went downhill. At the time I was not aware that there could be longer impacts or symptoms. There were weeks of investigations and the ordeal of not knowing what was happening. And an eventual diagnosis of persisting symptoms from Covid and just like that I became a Long hauler…
A lot of us have seen Covid-19 up close and personal, in many ways I suppose. Changes to lifestyle, restrictions, precautions. Some may have seen it closer, with losses perhaps. And for some like me it has made itself home like an unwelcome house guest with no return ticket. They call it by many names… Long covid, Post covid symptoms, Long hauler…
As I reflect on the past twelve months, honestly I have already forgotten details of many of the hard days. Memory losses are also a bonus gift. But it is far from over, a relapse is often lurking down a corner. Relapse is a recurrence of symptoms like Tachycardia, breathlessness, sheer exhaustion, dizziness… A mix of good days and bad days. During this time, I have a newfound respect to the limits and boundaries that my physical body raises and instead of trying to conquer them by sheer will, I am learning to respect the limits and work with my mind and body in step. Its work in progress.
Twelve months seem so long and so short at the same time. It has been a long period of loneliness, one where I have had to be my best friend. Listening to my thoughts, spending time with myself, sitting with my fears, and unable to articulate them. I have perhaps had the most amount of conversation with my inner self in these last months. As much as it has been a tough, scary, painful period, it has also been teaching.
As I sit down to jot my many varied thoughts in a brain that is buzzing, I am of course saddled with a sudden self doubt. What is new here that hasn’t been written before? The value of originality and authenticity I hold very close to my heart, but that is not the voice in my head right now. It is the voice of doubt. And that is precisely why I go on to write. This is me expressing and giving shape and voice to my learnings as I read, listen, study and think my way through this tough period.
This time has made me look in the mirror and see me for who I am, stripped of all the medals that come with career, hobbies, parenthood, friend “hood”. I stood with my soul stark naked. I gratefully take the lessons that have come from Dissolving, Absorbing, RE-forming, Reflecting and Embracing. Maybe the voice in my head translates to words in the coming days to share more, and just maybe it might inspire a soul or two. But first is to accept I am a new person, a little broken, a lot mended, at this anniversary of sorts.
